2020-07-16

Father:In this life, we are deeply affectionate, letting go is the best choice

By yqqlm yqqlm
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1. The last time I saw my father was last year December. That day, we were in a restaurant near my mother’s house. I asked him what he wanted to eat, and he said casually.

I haven’t seen it in four years. At the age of 71, he is still the same as before, still so lean and leaning, he speaks loudly like Hong Zhong. Sitting in a restaurant, I only care about my own expressions, and I have no worries about being in a public space. When it comes to emotions, I was afraid that he would overturn the table.

From small to large, our whole family has never had a harmonious meal together. When I got up to pay the bills, the young men and women at the next table turned to me with sympathy.

We took the elevator to leave the restaurant together. When the elevator slowly sank, he sighed and looked at me with a stern look:

“Hepatitis B is more male than female! Otherwise, your brother will not be so unlucky!”

There is a trace of annoyance in his regretful tone.

This old man is interesting. He never says that he is willing to get sick for his son, but he always thinks about it, if the daughter can carry this pot for his son. Fortunately, I will fly back to British Island the next day, thinking about it, the low air pressure accumulated in my chest this night immediately Freed some.

When he left, he said to me:

“Will Aunt Li’s son take you to the airport tomorrow?”

I said:”No, I want my life to be simple.”

This Auntie Li is father’s The second wife, wrong, may be the third. The only thing I can be sure of is that when I went abroad 12 years ago, I was the daughter of his first wife. What happened next, I occasionally heard a little bit from my brother and relatives.

2. I was born in the mid-1970s. It was winter. When my mother was confinement, her tears had never dried.

When I was a baby, one day, when my father was arguing with his mother, when an emotional episode reached its zenith, an enamel water cup was held in my hand. Mi Wai flew into my cradle, and my little face was instantly spent.

Why were there no surveillance cameras at home at that time? I wonder if my nose bridge was smashed by his glass at that time? I should be thankful that at that time, I hadn’t had any teeth, otherwise, my mother would have to find teeth for me.

I doubt that my current mezzo-soprano can really make the adults in the building opposite hear my tears. I really hope that after they heard it, they all came to see me as a little pitiful, and then taught him for me.

Mom hadn’t transferred to a city with dad at that time. It wasn’t until two years later, when his brother was born, that his father had transferred his mother to a state-owned unit in Nanchang.

This time I can use my toes to imagine that my dad’s life was a new chapter because of my younger brother.

When I was a child, I heard aunt say a word, and one day she came to my house as a guest. When she saw my dad from afar, she was holding a baby carriage in one hand and holding a milk cake in another. Small milk pan, spoon by spoon, feeding his brother’s mouth on the side of the road.

Please allow me to pause the time here. I need to imagine the scene:when the sun goes down, a white-faced scholar is squatting on the ground to feed a baby in a stroller. The super dad’s body is surrounded by a golden afterglow. What a great and touching fatherly love!

One thing I must admit, my brother looked better than me when he was a kid, he is a bit like Zhu Chaoyang in the TV series”The Secret Corner” which is currently being broadcast , A milky little boy. Because the back of his head is a little convex, and he has a big slap face, adults like to call him”goose goose head” in his native language.

In the photo frame of the uncle’s family, I saw what I was like when I was six years old, with a doll head, a baby face, a single eyelid, and I laughed as a whole baby. Apart from my fair skin and happy face, I have no advantage in terms of face value.

But then, I was treated kindly by the years, and the old saying”the 18th change of women’s college” that people often say was tested on me, and the once Fuwa became Jiaowa.

It’s far away, and women are narcissistic and endless.

3. The first good times in my life happened in kindergarten.

At the age of three, I lived in the full-care kindergarten of my mother’s company. Every Friday, Dad rides his 28 bike after get off work, picks me up at kindergarten, and returns me there again on Monday morning.

In my memory, I have sat in the front seat of the bicycle, but the most impressive thing is that I don’t know from what day, my father wants me to ride after he rides Let me jump to the back seat by myself. This is the first challenge I have faced in physical education in my life. 5. The 6-year-old girl must use the skills of a jumping goat to mount her butt firmly on the hard and cold stainless steel backseat that exceeds her waist. I can still relive the fear at that time. Every time I finally jumped up, my butt was sorely hurt, and sometimes I was scolded by my father for jumping too much.

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My brother is not as lucky as me, he has never been to kindergarten. When he was two years old, he was sent by his parents to a neighbor’s house to take care of, and was sent to him every morning.

The old lady who takes care of her brother is a kind woman, with a thin and small posture, with a round black bun on the back of the head. She uses a three-inch golden lotus Ding Dong Dong”While walking, I can still clearly sway in front of my eyes. Her wife is an old man with a military physique, fair skin, and a little silver thread on the pink head. He is also a kind-hearted old man. They also have a son named Commander-in-Chief, who has a strong eyebrow. This family is always kind to others, and my dad is very kind to them.

Three years in kindergarten is the happiest time of my childhood. The infrastructure and living environment in the kindergarten under this state-owned unit can be compared with the current private kindergarten Comparable. The small wooden bed where the children sleep is a new, low-colored bed. When we take a nap every day, we will consciously walk through the long corridor and come to the classroom, one by one, we will obediently sit on the small wooden chairs that have formed a large circle. On the wait, the teacher in charge of life delivered cookies to himself.

At that time, children wanted to get a plane-shaped cookie. Now I want to come, is it because the plane shape is bigger than the animal shape cookie? Or is it because the flight was an unattainable and cool dream for the children at that time?

Time is like a rocket, and forty years have passed. Who knows how many of those children haven’t been on a plane so far? Or, how many people, like me, have the opportunity to fly frequently, but suffer from aircraft phobia?

Now children can sleep with a mobile phone or IPAD, but we did not have a TV position in our hearts at that time.

Our life in kindergarten is very regular. We wake up every morning to dress and wear our own shoes, walk to the classroom to eat early, and then take early classes; noon After I went to bed and ate biscuits, after eating the biscuits, the beautiful music teacher began to sit on the harp and played, and we began to sing along with the music,”Good socialism, good socialism, the leadership of the people of socialist countries… ………”

Children’s quilts were all taken from their own homes, with their mother’s own name sewn on it; each child will have one with his own name Towels and handkerchiefs; there are small white enamel drinking glasses with their names written on them.

The food in the kindergarten is very good. The two dishes I have always loved are kelp rib soup and dried plum roast. That was the era of China in the late 1970s, when everyone had to use the government-issued merchandise vouchers to shop, and my parents’ meals were not as good as kindergarten.

Every year on Children’s Day, every child will receive a doll as a holiday gift, and on the day of the festival we will also perform singing and dancing for the adults. In the backstage of the theater, the teacher applied rouge and lipstick to every child, and all girls wore large butterflies folded from red crepe paper on their heads.

Whenever there is a performance in the kindergarten, my mother visits. Every time she comes, she will bring some affordable gifts such as eel to the teachers. At that time, the greetings when people met were not”Are you okay”, but”Did you eat?”

Here I would like to sincerely thank my parents for sending me to boarding kindergarten, from small class, middle class to big class, it is really a beautiful memory of years !

4. For the first time in my life I lied, probably in the first grade of elementary school.

After graduating from kindergarten, I officially began to spend time with my family. At the beginning of the period, I often sat on the little bamboo chair at home, not talking much or walking around, like a startled bird. I am a child with a sensitive nature,”sniffing” the air here does not welcome me.

Now I want to come, if it’s not my factory setting is a child with a tuberculosis type, 80%of me will develop into an autistic child in this house. If this is the case, the consequences are unimaginable.

Finally, one day, my father drank a few more drinks and accidentally spoke his heart. He once discussed with Uncle and wanted to send me to his house as a daughter. I don’t know. The plan couldn’t keep up with the changes. After Uncle and Aunt gave birth to the lobby brother, they gave birth to my cousin, a hall that could have been admitted to Tsinghua Peking University. younger brother.

When I heard him say this, I was not surprised at all. I was still a pupil at that time.

One winter is especially cold. Dad took me and my brother out of the yard. He took my brother and walked in front of me. He suddenly turned around and said to me:

“You go running, so it’s not cold !”

I wore a pair of trousers and a small cotton-padded jacket, and my fingers were still frozen as if they were about to break. I watched daddy and brother push open the wooden door of the neighbor’s house. From the crack of the door, I could smell the charcoal fire.

I have been pestering in place, looking at the warm wooden door, and looking at the empty alleys and courtyards, after about half an hour, Dad led his brother out of the wooden door with a smile.

He asked me questioningly:

“Are you running?”

I saw my mouth deflated, like the grievances of Tianda, immediately crying and crying:

“Liu Xiaojun ……….. hit………me!”

I was crying out of breath.

Now I have to admire myself at that time, I must have been scared of the potential of acting. My dream in elementary school was to grow up to be an actor. It is estimated that this unreliable idea is somewhat related to this”crying scene”.

It’s far away, and the first time I lied hasn’t been explained yet.

Liu Xiaojun is the son of the pig-killing family next to the small wooden door my father just went to. He is a few years older than me and has congenital rabbit lips, but he looks very arrogant.

Liu Xiaojun never dreamed that he once carried the pot for me. That time, I finally escaped my father’s scolding.

Shortly after this incident, I submitted the first and final article to Cradle, with the title”Lying for the first time.” This submission letter is like a snowflake in the winter of that year, it looks beautiful, and it disappears forever after falling on the ground.

4. It is said that my father’s love is like a mountain, but my father used his alpine attitude to block my way to college.

I still don’t know. My poor grades in mathematics were influenced by my father’s remarks that “girls are born with poor mathematics”, or is it because I am born lacking Mathematical logic.

When I was in elementary school, my math test often failed, and my composition was often used as a model by a Chinese teacher to read aloud in the class.

When I was in high school, my math, physics and chemistry scores miraculously reached the peak of my life. The average scores of the three science subjects in the high school entrance examination were all above 80. In the third year of junior year, my dad took out the attitude of taking care of the college entrance examination students in a normal family and gave me meticulous care.

Since entering elementary school, he and I have attended the parent meeting of my brother. Later, the aunt and the uncle and the uncle’s family were successively out of college students, and the father who had always been strong began to become stressed.

When two children study at home every night at home, one is to turn off the lights to sleep during his urging every day; the other is to let him crept up the stairs every time, Enter the door and first touch the TV case on the bedside table to see if it is hot. This is a must-have technique for him to check whether his son is watching the writing work.

Probably the cat-and-mouse scene that he and his brother have to perform every day over the years, so he does not expect his son to go to college, but he Love is still unconditional.

For a middle school student like me who has been neglected by my parents for a long time, and is in the stage of rebellion, inferiority, and self-knowledge, he was suddenly cared by his father meticulously. Not yet fully adapted.

One month before the entrance exam, in order to give me a quiet place to endorse, every weekend, he took me to his office and left. I was the only one in the whole government building. Except for the bird calls outside, I was the only one who had memorized notes on political lessons.

Later, I failed the entrance exam and did not enter the key high school. My father asked me:

“Why did you take the exam? The score is more than 10 points worse than the bottom test?”

I said:

“You locked me in the office, I don’t want to endorse it at all. The environment is too strange and too quiet, I’m a little scared! I’ve been reviewing it at home.”

He sadly asked, why didn’t you say it early? !

Regarding this question of my senior high school entrance examination, until now, as long as we meet, he will mention it almost every time.

My father took the initiative to propose a divorce to his mother shortly after everyone celebrated his 60th birthday. When I got the news, I had lived abroad for a year. Looking back now, the year I read the third year of junior year was the most peaceful year for the whole family.

Later, I entered the key class of ordinary high school. In my first year of high school, my language and English scores were among the best. For this reason, I also became an English class representative. I joined the school’s Puyu Literature Society and also acted as the only broadcaster at the school’s radio station.

It should be said that in the first year of high school, I rediscovered a 2.0 version of myself. My learning has a clear goal. I am becoming a TV station for the future. The announcer worked hard.

I was hooked on the TV series”Desire” that was popular all over the country that summer when I failed in the exam. I like to listen to Beijingers, I like to use Xiehou when they speak, and I like the quadrangle where they live… I have rarely spoken at home. Since chasing this drama, my brain is full of Mandarin. Mandarin, the dream is also spoken in Mandarin, not Nanchang.

I think about it. The university will be admitted to the Beijing Broadcasting Institute (now China Communication University), and in the future, it will be the host.

One day, our family went to Ergu’s house as a guest. I told my younger cousin that my university would apply for the Beijing Broadcasting Institute. Unexpectedly, my father sitting on the side heard it and suddenly said fiercely to me:

“If you fill in that volunteer, I will fill in your college entrance examination to volunteer The table is torn off! What host, a showman!”

Since then, my academic performance has started to fall off steeply, and I have lost my learning goals, and even lost The meaning of life, I was pushed into the ice cellar by my father.

5. I’m still alive, please allow me to fast forward time and place to London in 2011.

That year, I was 35 years old. Like an 18-year-old candidate, I was admitted to the University of London, Goldsmith University under the Russell Group, and studied undergraduate psychology.

That was the fifth year of our family going abroad. Her daughter is in the early stage of Xiaosheng, and she also needs me to help her prepare for the exam and take the competitive entrance examination for women’s private middle school. The Chinese friends around me urged me to suspend my study, and wait for my daughter to enter the ideal middle school, and then come to chase your dreams.

I am afraid that I will never have the courage to pursue my dreams when I relax. So, I chose the strategy of grasping with both hands and with both hands. During these years abroad, I am used to a busy life. After sending my daughter to school in a hurry in the morning, I hurried to my school for classes. In the afternoon, I ran back to my daughter’s school and took her home.

Mr. is working in a bank. The work leaves early and returns late, and the family is entirely on my own. I helped my daughter hire a tutor to cope with the 11+ exam, and let the piano and violin teachers come to teach at home once a week as usual.

That year, I felt like I was racing on the highway and I was ready to roll over at any time. I know that the worst result may be that my daughter is forced to enter a regular high school, and the university I finally admitted to will be dismissed.

In the first year of going abroad, I wrote a sentence on my blog:Life is the process of chasing dreams, dreams are beautiful, but unsuccessful and sad.

I must be grateful for my life, and everything I and my family have paid off. 2012 was of great significance to my small family. Her daughter successfully entered the girls’ private high school. In the summer of the same year, she also participated in the performance of the opening ceremony of the London Olympics with 79 other children’s musicians. The professional actors performed the opening song together.

I have never forced my daughter to study the piano and never practiced with her. In her third year of high school, she was admitted to the school’s music scholarship, joined the school’s orchestra, and served as the chief piano. She still plays her electronic piano as a toy in university dorms.

After a year of hard work like a”high-temperature steam sauna”, I also got the ideal result in my first year in college. I finally got the confidence in the degree.

After leaving my parents, I finally have the opportunity to make decisions independently. I always listen to my inner voice. Fortunately, there is a strong backing from my husband, so I only want to chase my dreams and not worry about food.

6. When my little family lived a busy and stressful life on the British Isles, my father did not start enjoying his leisure after 60 years old In retirement, I decided to divorce my mother decisively, and in the next four or five years, I married several different women. I haven’t even seen their photos. I only heard that every wife is younger than him. At least 20 years old.

There is no WeChat before 2011, otherwise, I will know more in detail.

My father, a civil servant, is a person who always reprimands others and proves how right he is. The “others” here are anyone but himself. He blamed my grandpa for not choosing a career, but went to school to be an English teacher; he stomped and laughed at his aunt, saying that she had taught in university for many years. He has not yet been rated as a professor; he is still waiting for his brother and my uncle to apologize to him. Uncle is more than 80 years old and suffers from mild amnesia………

My mother is an old oxen at home. I haven’t read any books. I know my father can’t see her. She thought that as long as she endured in this life, she would not be dumped by him.

From small to large, my mother’s status at home made me realize that a woman who is good at housework can not get family status.

My father is very savvy, and part of his energy is used to invest in real estate. When his brother was in high school, he invested a storefront for him as pension capital. Thirty years later, the storefront increased from 200,000 to 1 million. Finally, he gave his brother a bank card of 1 million.

The younger brother really lives on this card for the rest of his life.

My brother was diagnosed with major depression when he was in his twenties. In addition, he had been taking treatment for hepatitis B and Sanyang before detecting depression Medicine, these drugs add up to make him skinny and extremely weak.

When I returned to China to visit relatives a few years ago, my brother told me that before meeting his wife, he never knew what happiness meant. At that moment, I was a little surprised. The younger brother who was just forty years old in front of me, I thought that the man I envied from childhood and protected by his parents always felt happy!

The younger brother’s appearance is a man with a weak nature, and his parents’ doting directly overwhelmed him to death.

Different from him, since kindergarten, I’m used to my unwelcome situation at home, so I won’t spend much time thinking and going Compare whether you are happy without others. When I have time, I will go to play with my classmates and do things I like without the help of an adult.

7. After retiring, her aunt moved to New York with her little daughter’s family for many years. She is outgoing and stylishly dressed. At the age of 70 or 80, her life is still lively.

She does not speak English, but she is very popular in the Chinese community. She was invited by Koreans to teach knitting sweaters in their community, and she can still earn 10,000 a year. Commission in US dollars.

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Last year, a series of paintings woven with wool was selected by a local art institution, and an exhibition was held specifically for her. My aunt took a few pictures of the paintings for me, and one of them impressed me. One of the works is a lying pen lying in a wheat field woven with yarn, and the pen end is tied by a rope of yarn.

This painting also helped me solve a mystery about her not writing.

Aunt has been teaching Chinese in college since the 1960s. After retirement, she spent all her time knitting, swimming and socializing, which had nothing to do with reading and writing Things. Now, I finally understand that it was the special age she once experienced that made her give up her desire to write.

One day, I received an aunt’s WeChat call. My aunt told me,

“I haven’t talked to your dad in a long time. He always said that other people’s things are not. It’s good to go up. He insisted that your uncle apologize to him, this person really can’t do it!”

I said,”Aunt, my dad has a mental problem. I have let go of my hatred for him in recent years. After all, he is my dad and a mental patient. Let’s just go with him. Anyway, he is not too young………”

Aunt was very surprised by what I said, saying:

“Xiao Jing, you really grew up! Your dad is mentally ill I haven’t dared to tell you about this, I’m afraid you’re taboo, I’m not ugly, I’m afraid you can’t accept it! Your psychology course is really not white!”

“Aunt, what time is it, what does my dad have to do with me, what is so embarrassing? When I was in this class in college, I remembered when I was a kid, when I saw my dad alone, He often speaks silently, his mouth moving, like there are many people around him, there will be various expressions on his face, and sometimes his hands are accompanied by movements. These are all in his unconscious state. What happened is that something went wrong with the nervous system.”

“Yes, Xiao Jing, you are very reasonable! These years have passed, and the entire big family has been engaged in by him It’s a dog and a dog, and now we finally have a conclusion about him, don’t worry about him! Your dad experienced the special period of the country when he was a teenager. My uncle and you are educated youths, and they are all assigned to the countryside; Grandpa and grandma can’t afford so many children. Your two aunts and two uncles were given to someone else from an early age. You also have an uncle who hasn’t met him. He is two years older than your dad, and his violin plays very well. It is a pity that he had tuberculosis at the age of twenty. Like your grandmother, it was the aftermath of your dad’s cooking. Your dad is the youngest in the family. He suffered a lot and suffered a lot of stimuli. In the future, we will all take more care of your dad, after all, he is a patient!”

Written here, my tears have found an outlet for the inexplicable grievances I have suffered over the years. , I finally have an account of myself. I am grateful that God did not configure me with a character of Lin Daiyu, otherwise I would not be able to wait for the day when the”water falls out of the stone”.

My father and I have only a deep relationship in my life. Fortunately, during his lifetime, I also reconciled with him. In this way, we can all enjoy the rest of our lives.

PS:The picture comes from the internet Thanks for sharing