I have an innate disgust and dislike for the term orphans and widows. When I hear others say this, I will calmly watch them appear on their faces Emoji. Most of the expressions are a kind of look, coming from sympathy. They look at you with dry eyes, as if they are judging and predicting your future, but there is no love in their eyes.
In 1999, I lost my father, when I was 11 years old. Father walked very fast, only three months from the diagnosis to leaving, like a dream. When my aunt told my father was gone, I just woke up, my head was empty, a kind of insensitive and overwhelmed, the tears that should have surfaced did not flow down. I didn’t have so much experience. I just admitted my father’s departure, thinking that my mother didn’t need to wait for him so hard. We finally got rid of the past. Until my mother cried heartbreakingly on the day of his father’s cremation:”Wei Xin, you can go with confidence, even if you sell iron, I will raise Lili.” &34; The crying and the tragic scene awakened me. My father really left, leaving behind me and my mother, we became real orphans and widows.
Shortly after my father left, fearing that my mother would remarry, our uncles and aunts asked us to move away from the house our grandfather had left for my father. My mother felt that as the eldest grandson, I should be assigned to a house even if I was in a lawsuit, but I just wanted to flee, flee the building, the neighborhood, those people, and never want to have any more interactions with them. In my memory, that is where my pain began. My mother no longer forced anything, and took me away quietly. He left a portrait of his father when he left. The mother said that he should let the father guard his brothers and sisters.
During the most desperate days, my grandma took us in. When others lamented how bitter our mothers’ lives are, I just desperately in the sea of questions, wanting to get a breath of fresh air. In the early 2000s, I was admitted to the city’s key high school. A long-lost smile appeared on my mother’s face. She took me to the specialty store and bought a windbreaker that was fashionable at the time. It was very shabby, but the price was not low. My mother bought it. Down it. Because of this expensive dress, my classmates envy me very much. It is like a glory worn on me.
The next two years were very peaceful. I concentrated on studying, my mother went to work, we stayed with each other and lived hard. During the period, there were enthusiastic friends who introduced me to my mother, but they were all declined by my mother. This made me very happy. I felt that my mother did not abandon me and still loved me as usual. Until our world broke into an outsider and broke our mother’s world.
He is 40 years old, the owner of a decoration company, with the shrewdness and gentleness of a southerner, and can speak beautiful words. Especially his eyes are very good at thinking, as the brain is actively working. On his dark and oily face, occasionally an expression of indecision and anxiety appeared. He often buys a lot of delicious food for my mother and me, takes us shopping to buy clothes, and talks about things related to decoration work. Mother will listen patiently, her eyes gradually showing her appreciation and admiration. A few months later, he rented a two-bedroom apartment for us in the city center. My mother and I were so happy that they finally had a place of their own. Just when I put down my defenses and trusted him, something unexpected happened. It was one afternoon. After school, he prepared meals for us. When I was eating and eating food without scruples, he suddenly said in a reproachful tone:&34; Lili, don’t just eat vegetables. Eat rice too!”When such a direct language came out of his mouth, I felt insulted. I really wanted to throw down my chopsticks and slam the door. I felt choked in my throat. I expected my mother to say it for me. Something, but she didn’t say anything. My heart was cold, at that moment, I was an outsider. After that meal, my mother and I were invisibly separated by a wall. Later, a lot of topics about his mother would surround him, where he was sick again, how to match his diet, and how busy he was at work. For me, my mother only cares about studying, how many places I got in the exam, and whether I shame her. After each exam, what I fear most is how to face the nagging and scolding of my mother’s laser gun after the grades are finished. They fill my brain like a curse.
Life is always accompanied by accidents. In the last semester of the third year of junior high school, I fell in love prematurely. The sprout and vanity of youth prevailed, and my reason went wrong. Originally, in the eyes of the teacher, I would definitely be the group of students admitted to the key high schools, but in the end I didn’t even enter the ordinary high schools. This shameful result made me feel guilty and uneasy, made my mother mad, and ignited my mother’s bottom line towards me.”If I were you, I can find a hole and get in, and have the face to eat?” ! You haven’t even passed the entrance examination of ordinary high school, so who are you worthy of, let others know, is it shameful? I worked so hard for you to go to school. That’s how you repay me…&34; Mother scolded me, I didn’t resist, I deserved to be scolded like this, I hate myself. I should be cast aside, laughed at, and isolated. I’m sorry mother.
The entrance ticket to the key high school was the man who asked me to enter. When I entered this door, I was full of inferiority and shame. Since then, I have blocked all voices from the outside world and focused all my attention on learning. I just want to go through three years of uninterrupted study in high school to realize the things that I want to move but cannot touch temporarily, whether it is the future, a new life, or escape from my hometown. I can’t tell, but it represents hope.
Because everyone faces the single-plank bridge of the college entrance examination, the learning atmosphere after entering the first year of high school becomes tense. Every day after the evening self-study, I came home close to 10 o’clock. My mother had already rested. There would be a cup of hot milk and biscuits or a bag of instant noodles on the desk. This is the only communication between us. We know each other without disturbing each other. Once, the evening self-study arranged an extracurricular lecture. Everyone in our class went to the meeting room to listen. I was fascinated by it. It was no big deal after 10 o’clock. Anyway, my mother took a rest after returning home. At 11 o’clock, I rode a bicycle to the downstairs of the community. When I looked up and saw the light upstairs still on, I wondered if my mother forgot to turn it off. When I was going up the stairs to the door, the door suddenly opened. &34; Why did you come back, why did you not tell me? Do you know how much I worry about you? &34;My mother’s anxious face came into my eyes. &34;I listened to the lecture, and it just ended. You don’t have to worry about me that much.”I replied in a relaxed tone.”Why don’t I worry, you are my child, can I rest assured if I don’t go home so late?” &34;Mother’s speech is still fast, but her voice is not loud and full of tenderness. Maybe it was my return to give her a reassurance, she didn’t blame me any more. &34; Rest early, don’t be too tired. &34;&34; Well, got it.”My mother went to bed, and I went back to my room. I kept thinking about what my mother just said, and I felt very happy. After coming back the next night, I saw a note on the desk that said:”Lili, come on, mom will always support you.” &34;I gently clamped the note in my diary. I don’t know when it started, my mother’s feelings for me are changing subtlely, but what I can confirm is that my mother still loves me.
One month before the college entrance examination, I was under a lot of pressure. I tried not to think about anything, I just wanted to work hard. It was a weekend. My mother and I were sitting on the sofa and chatting about the college entrance examination. My mother stared at me in surprise and said:”Why do you have a white hair on your head?” &34;&34; Oh, it’s okay, it doesn’t matter. &34;A white hair is too normal for me. I was surprised by my mother’s reaction.”Lili, don’t have that much pressure, it doesn’t matter if you fail to pass the exam. &34;When my mother finished saying this easily, the hard and strong dam in my heart was instantly destroyed. I looked at my mother and smiled slightly, only to feel that the wall between us disappeared in an instant. In July, the college entrance examination red list was erected in front of the school’s gate. I was admitted to a college in Hainan, and I achieved my goal as I wish. The stone in my mother’s heart also fell. In September, when I set foot on the train to the south, my mother looked at me with a smile outside the car window, reluctantly. Her eyes are so beautiful and so gentle that I can’t help crying.
Maybe it’s freshness, maybe it’s because there is no strict control, college life makes me feel free and comfortable. But my mother was very anxious, she was not used to the day I left. She told me that she would look downstairs from the window every day to see if I rode home. I smiled and said, I’m in Hainan, how could you see me downstairs. My mother said, I know you are in Hainan, but I don’t know why I am always anxious and feel that something is missing. I asked my mother, where is that man? The mother explained that he was very busy and had been doing renovations, so there were few contacts. I discussed with my mother that I would call her at a fixed time every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Frequent contact makes the relationship between us become close, like sisters. Sometimes the content of the chat makes me feel like I have exchanged identities with each other. The mother is like a daughter and I become a mother. We have truly become the most important person in each other’s heart. Later, I learned from my mother that the man was not divorced, but separated. But she didn’t blame him, she just separated from him resolutely and tried a way to return all the money he had spent for her.
In 2008, after graduating from university, I went to Beijing, where I worked, fell in love, got married, and had my own home. After six years of hard work, I became independent and realistic. I no longer depend on anyone. I go home fewer and fewer times, and I have less contact with my mother. I became pregnant in the summer of 2014. When I told my mother, she was overjoyed. She soon retired and came to Beijing to take care of me. My mother’s arrival made me very excited, and there was a return and comfort in my heart. However, the impact and cost brought about by time and distance still exist objectively. We often insist on the trivial housework and refuse to give up to each other. In the final analysis, it will involve the other party not caring about ourselves, which makes us very painful. Compared with my stubbornness, my mother still compromised. She felt that she should not compete with her daughter who was pregnant. She would pull me up to take a walk in the community every night and let me go climbing stairs, saying that this activity is good for giving birth. She also asked me to send her the recipes I like to eat every day, and then mumbled:&34;You are now at the stage of enjoying it, and it will be different when you have a baby. You still want to sleep until noon! &34;I don’t think so. Doesn’t new life represent joy and expectation? How can there be pain? But reality proves how naive my idea is. When I was lying on the hospital bed and was suffering from the great pain of childbirth; when I was patient with the doctor to mending the torn lower body; when I accepted that I had to undergo curettage due to an accident in the birth process, what came to my mind was not The child born safely is the mother. Only then did I clearly realize that my son’s birthday is a difficult day for my mother. It turns out that every woman who becomes a mother goes through this process. The physical pain did not make me feel so happy because of the birth of the child, but it made me look at the things around me with a new perspective and mentality, including my relationship with my mother.
Giving birth is not the end, everything has just begun. It is extremely difficult for a novice mother like me to take care of an immature, young and crying baby endlessly day and night. The child’s food and drink have already taken up all of life. During the 30 days of confinement, I lost a full 10 jin. My mother was right. How can I have a complete sleep after having a child? On weekdays, my wife still has to go to work. In addition to taking care of my children, my mother also takes care of me, who is weak and lacking milk. She has almost no extra time to rest. In the middle of the night, when the child was awake, I was so sleepy that I was about to fall asleep. It was the mother who was coaxing the child back and forth in the living room. I always admired the mother’s energy beyond ordinary people. It is also thanks to the care and help of my mother who sent charcoal in the snow, I can feel that there is a place to stop and hide when I am tired, depressed and irritable. The experience of life slowly gave me a taste of all kinds of tastes, when I would also feel distressed because of a child’s illness; when I would also face conflicts and disputes with my lover; when I also felt the cumbersome and trivial housework, I was only Understand the responsibilities and responsibilities of an adult, and understand the simplicity and naivety of looking at things when I was young. I seem to understand my mother’s scolding and ranting, crying and complaining, loneliness and strength better. What has changed is not my mother, but my own experience and growth. The mother has always been the one who sticks to her, fulfilling the promise she had promised to her father, insisting on the principle of being a human being, and guarding this seemingly grown up but still so naive daughter next to her.
In the past three years of taking care of the children, the mother has acted as the cane and housekeeper of our small family, sharing the hard work of taking care of the children, and managing the orderly operation of the whole family. Until the child finally went to kindergarten, the mother looked much older, with white hair faintly between her temples, her strong back was curved, and her head looked much shorter. She needed reading glasses to see things. Now, this is a trace of time and a mark of dedication. What makes me feel guilty is that in the past few years my mother has been in Beijing, she has been away from home, her relatives and friends, and her elderly mother. She chose to come to me without hesitation, this kind of grace is beyond description. All the costs are destined to be irreparable in my life.
Now, my mother is over half a hundred years old and never married again. She was still busy between her children and grandchildren, silent in the busyness and loneliness. When I recalled my mother’s unwilling first half of her life, I respected and loved her even more and thanked her. A person gave you all the love when you lost your father; when you broke into the society and struggled alone, he gave you unquestioned confidence; when you enjoyed the freedom and vastness of the outside world, he gave you trust And respect; when you face difficulties and setbacks, it gives you support and encouragement. Everything I have today is inseparable from the person called mother behind me.
My mother gave me the the most beautiful time in this life. I thought about what kind of return and filial piety should be given to her , Can I repay a person for his generous contribution to me for decades? It is difficult to calculate. Maybe what I can do is trivial, maybe what I can do is to live up to what she has done to me. No matter what it is, it is contained in the bits and pieces of this life.